My God and My Questions

Posted: March 15, 2011 in FAITH

Recent events made the world see a glimpse of the end of days, days when all that we hold dear will be gone. We dealt with never-ending political problems, unrest in the Middle East, earthquakes, tsunamis, nuclear radiation and even the everyday problems like facing the unbeatable rush hour traffic.

Most of us panicked and felt fear. We posted our thoughts on social networks; shared videos, photos and article links to get everyone involved and for those who believed on a Higher Being – we offered prayers to the people affected.

I, myself, reacted on the onset of Japan’s earthquake by posting links in Facebook on where they can watch the live streaming and info on what to do during earthquakes and tsunamis. Then in the midst of the frenzy heightened by more posts from my Facebook friends, I was suddenly struck with the thought that these things are bound to happen. Natural disasters do happen, Earth’s history is a testament of that. Political unrest will always be there with varied reasons from nations pushing for better societies to individuals pushing for their selfish gains. As for the traffic, well that is a fact faced by developed cities with a growing number of people who relies heavily on transportation. Live in the countryside and you won’t even have a taste of traffic.

With that thought, the panic and fear I felt was turned into a wave of calmness… My next post related to the Japan incident was a song that was very close to me when I, too, was in my darkest moment (yet). I posted this video with my thoughts: I will be still and know that you are GOD. Yes, I will be still Oh Lord. And the song became my prayer for everyone.

Over the weekend, I still pondered on the thought of how the idea of DEATH, more so death brought by destruction, can cripple the world. As we all know, life and death are things that people of whatever race or social classes share in common. The thought of life brings us joy and reasons to celebrate. DEATH on the other hand is a fact that we still have a hard time accepting. People continuously ask God to be spared from it. Even Jesus asked God if He can be spared. Yes Jesus, the  same man who was able to raise people from the dead, who made the blind see, heal people with leprosy, and other miracles that speaks of divine power, asked if He can be spared.

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39 NIV

But just like Jesus, we can not really escape death when it comes knocking on our doorstep (Yet not as I will, but as You will).

Now, lets backtrack a week before the Japan incident. I was exactly here in my work station, reading gruesome news of injustices around the world, of modern-day slavery, of human trafficking, of bad news happening my own country, the Philippines, of knowing that a dear friend of mine lost her mother to cancer, of having another friend still fighting with cancer, stories of my family, of my friends and strangers who were/are in the midst of their seemingly unsurmountable problems. My mind and heart felt like exploding. Mixed emotions of torment, empathy, of wanting to be a superhero and change things instantly, of feeling that I am not doing enough, discouragement, fears and worst feelings that the English Dictionary has no definition of.

Then I turned to someone who I can openly talk to about these things. I turned to God. Well it was not a sweet talk. It was more of me angrily asking Him with questions of WHY do these things happen? WHY do you let it happen? You are powerful right? WHY??? Seriously, do you still expect people to believe You amidst the chaos of this world? Ibang klase ka rin ano. (eeerrr Ok, how to translate in English?). I kept asking Him. WHY? WHY? WHY? Then New Zealand and Japan incidents, happened. As if the world was mocking me more because it happened in Christchurch, New Zealand. Tsk.

Anyway, I never got His answers. So I was really pissed. I never even attempted to open my Bible because I might not fully understand or just get verses that says, it is My Will, which will make me more pissed off. I didn’t even bother to tell it to my friends (specifically the Christians) because I might also get the same answer, it is GOD’S WILL and that can really add up to my pissed off state. Plus the fact that I felt fear of being questioned regarding my faith, which also made me question the existence of a very accepting and welcoming community, come on guys lets face it, we do become too “judgemental”. Then I finally got tired of angrily questioning God, so I told Him, Lord I will listen and I need guidance. Lord, I am lost with my thoughts on everything that is happening. I am getting crazy. GUIDANCE please.

I don’t know what happened but Kuya Jonathan Nambu, whom I worked for a stint in Samaritana Ministries and their library at home during my college days, came into mind. Maybe because he commented that he really liked the song  One Day by Matisyahu that I posted in Facebook a month ago (note even if there was a beatbox on it and he liked it! cool Kuya!) Maybe that was it, because Kuya Jonathan liked that song, too. That actually started our conversation and made me felt at ease with him even after a long time of no communication. So there, Kuya Jonathan popped into mind then I saw him online and asked if it was ok for me to email him something personal. His reply wasn’t that long but it was very sincere and full of understanding. It made me felt comfortable and excited to open up my Bible again.

I was faced again with another question as I stared at my Bible. I asked, Lord which book will I read? Then Deenu Abishek, my fellow FK participant who is posted in Tanzania, came into mind. (Thank you Lord for memories because they can really come in handy!). I remembered our conversation the month before on a topic about the frustrations of being “change-agents” in host organizations with people who doesn’t want to be changed and how our situations made us question our understanding of things.  He told me that I should read Proverbs. I said, I would but now you know, it took me more than a month to actually read it. I finally read the first few chapters of Proverbs last weekend.

My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding— indeed, if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God. ~ Proverbs 2:1-5 NIV

At this point, I am happy to report to you that I have not yet found all the answers to my questions of WHY this, WHY that nor do I fully comprehend God’s sovereignty (I can’t even say that without questioning myself if I pronounced it correctly and more so if I spelled it correctly – good thing WordPress has auto spell checker that puts a red mark on words that are misspelled).  I still have a lot of questions, BIG questions to God BUT I am calmed by the fact though that  HE IS MY LORD and MY SAVIOR. HE IS GOD. HIS WILL BE DONE.

So, I pray that I may be filled with understanding and wisdom as I continue reading Proverbs and conversing with God. I pray that I may fully understand the fear of the Lord, find the knowledge of God, and His sovereignty in everything that happened, is happening and will happen – that I will still live a life in pursuit of His will even if I may never understand everything nor get the answers to all of my questions.

I have a long way to go but I am on my way there, more on inching my way rather, crawling even… But this is something I am willing to go through and not ashamed of going through. This is something I don’t want to fast track on.

****

If you truly believe that there is a GOD that created the universe, then why would you be afraid to ask BIG questions? Why would you be afraid to love anyone? It opens the door to be able to be the most accepting people, the most loving, the most genuine and ask the biggest questions because there is nothing to be afraid of. ~ Jon Foreman, Switchfoot

My friends noticed that I’ve become a Jon Foreman fan, well because his songs speaks in my behalf when I can’t even process what’s happening inside of me. Hence my previous post: When i can’t find the words to say, Jon Foreman sings for me. 🙂

NOTE: The DEATH I’m referring here is just about PHYSICAL death. Now, on the other forms of death, I will write a separate blog post on that one.

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Comments
  1. garnor says:

    im thinking the reason why we never got to revelations as bs group, its for one on one with Him, first.

    i ended up buying wild at heart instead of blue like jazz, though ofcourse id still get the latter next time. john eldredge helped me appreciate His actions, and our issues about it, our WHYs. i was reminded how our Lord is a mighty warrior, besides being a loving Father, and a jealous God. He’s bound to get our attention, believer or not…

    “I will be still and know that you are GOD. Yes, I will be still Oh Lord.” Thanks Chalet and Hillsong for this prayer.

    • chajedidiah says:

      I don’t know but I can totally relate with Wild at Heart even though it was supposed to be for men ;). Yep, gonna build that relationship with Him. lets goooo!

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